Hold On..

Hello again.
It has been more than two weeks since I last updated this blog.
I've been busy with college stuffs and holidays.
So yeah, it's my second semester.
I got quite decent result for the past semester.
I got into Dean's list with my pointer overall 3.78.
It was quite satisfying. Alhamdulillah. ^^

So, referring to the title, I'm gonna talk about my love story.
My previous post wasn't that good, I know.
Every relationships has its ups and downs, right? ^^;;
So yeah, he managed to win my heart again effortlessly.
But ever since we couldn't talk that much, he changed a lot.
He became super clingy and overly possessive on me.
I guess the quote "Absence makes heart grew fonder" works in our relationship.
We have been spending most of our time together lately.
He even sacrificed his sleep time for me.
Recently, he only sleep for an hour everyday.
Then he will drink 5 cups of coffee to keep him awake.
I asked him why he did that. Is it because he doesn't want to sleep or he wants to talk to me?
He replied "Both? But to be honest, mostly because I want to talk to you."
That kid is so sweet. I just don't know how to control my feels anymore.
I feel like I want to fly to California right now and hug him every single second.
People may call it cheesy but you wouldn't be able to grasp this situation if you don't experience it yourself.

Oh love, look what you've done to these lovebirds.
I'm so madly in love with him. I just can't express it with words.
Too bad I can't show it with actions.
Long distance relationship is meant to be difficult but it's worthy for those who remain strong and patient.
I've been in LDR before but this time it feels different.
I don't know how to express it with words.
But one thing for sure, I never want to lose him.

Bae, no matter what, I hope you won't give up on me.
We will meet someday and let out all our feelings.
I know this is hard but hold on, for me please.
I love you and always will be.
I have faith in this relationship.
You belong with me and I belong to you.
That is all that matters.

Missing..

For the past two weeks we couldnt talk that much.
He has been very busy with his work..... I guess.

I didn't mean to doubt him but honestly, this is too much.
Like seriously, can't he spend at least an hour or 30 minutes for me?
Just asking how well I was doing while he's gone.
It's not that I assumed him to be just fine.
I mean well yeah of course he's stressful and restless because of his work.
But the thing is, I missed him.
I missed him too much. I'm not used to being away from him like this.
We talk a lot, everyday. Then he suddenly acted like this.
I couldn't process my mind, I still can't accept this.

He should have at least let me know what's keeping him busy.
If he's doing well, got enough sleep, didn't skip meals.
He spammed me two days ago, when I was asleep.
He said he's been hella busy and he finally got his holiday.
But he spent it with his coworkers.
I didn't mean to control his activity or his life.
But seriously, 30 minutes talking to me wouldn't hurt right?
Maybe he got drunk right after the dinner, that's why.

I'm deeply disappointed, really.
I feel so unimportant and forgotten.
Is this the end for us?
Before we could even reach 4th monthsary?
I dreamed a lot about him, about our future.
I guess its my mistake that I'm expecting too much from him.
From what I feel and see, he is someone that you can trust.
Maybe I was wrong, since the start.
Did I perhaps fall in love with him because he's a Korean?
Or maybe because he got it all to be the perfect guy?
His appearance and wealthiness.
But honestly, I fell for him since the moment he protected me and our ic relationship.
Even before I get to know his real self.
Eventhough it wasn't real, but I'm touched.
Or maybe perhaps I was just too lonely that I mistook my feelings?
Shasha, what the hell is wrong with you?
My mind says let him go but my heart says otherwise.
Which one should I follow?

Honestly, I don't want to lose him.
But what's the point anyway? It feels like this is only a one-sided love.
I'm so mad at myself.
Why is it so easy for me to love someone?
Why do I love someone with all my heart?
It's going to be broken anyway.
You are plain stupid, Shasha.
You were fooled before, you experienced this.
Why do you still let yourself suffer like this?
My heart hurts so much.
I hope he still could save it.
Like he always did, effortlessly.
I feel like a fool.
This is not good for someone who is still sick.
I think I'm gonna cry.

I miss you so much, bae. :'(

Dreams

Hello again. It's been a long time since I updated this blog.
Well I've been quite busy with my tiring life. Glad that I have some time to write a post here.
You have no idea how much I missed you bloggie. >_<

So yeah. There's nothing interesting about my life recently.
Still the same old life. But a bit more productive than 2013.
I've been busy with my mom's business every weekdays.
I literally don't have much time to rest which is why I'm sick now.
But its okay. I can handle it. :)

By the way, last week I got a call from this college under MARA. I forgot the name.
They offered me to study in Bachelor of Business Administration for 3 years.
It also come up with a scholarship from MARA. Almost everything is free.
But sadly, I had to decline the offer due to some personal matters.
Chances like that rarely come in my life. It means a lot to me, especially in my situation.
I kind of regret it but yeah, its probably not my luck.
What goes around, comes around. Life goes on.

Oh yeah. Here I am in Semporna. I just got back here last month.
I seriously missed being here. KK was fine too but I didn't have the chance to enjoy it.
But there's this one odd thing about my house.
I'm always sick. Like seriously.
I don't even know why. Its probably because of the weather.
But yeah. I can't deny that I somehow feel odd.

Okay. Enough with the intro. Lets refer to the title.
I had a dream of this particular person who once means everything in my life.
Its kinda weird that he appeared in my dream all of a sudden. He never once crossed my mind since the last time we talked to each other. I can't recall when was it.
In that dream, we were still in a relationship just like years ago.
The difference is we were far more romantic and passionate towards each other. *LOL* awkward~
But yeah. Thanks to that dream. I'm having mood swings today. =__=
I hate that kind of dreams. It gives so much effect on me since I'm a loner now.
I don't know why. I just can't open up my heart to any guys for now.
But I can't deny the fact that I missed being loved and care by someone.
I'm just that complicated. *sighs*

So yeah. I missed him. He was the one who brought me into love life.
I appreciate it though the feelings are faded away.
I wonder where you are now. I hope we could at least talk again like before, just be friends.
But I know you don't want it. Its okay. I clearly understand.
To you, please be safe and I hope you'll be successful in life and meet someone far more better than the once that you loved before, including me.
Thats all I wanted to say. Good bye. :'(

Losing.

Refer to the title.
That's what I'm going to talk about in this post.

I recently lose a friend who once means so much to me.
She was a good friend of mine.
We talked a lot before. We even shared our secrets and talked in private twitter accounts.
We literally became best friends since then. Somewhere in 2011.
But it all ended last month, which I never realized.
I rarely talked to her because I was busy as hell. And she's busy too.
I don't want to disturb her.
I was wondering where she went for that long.
She didn't tweet anything. No update at all.
Then last night my heart somehow tells me to check her friend's twitter.
Just in case they mentioned anything about her.
And yes, bingo. They talked to her, in twitter, with different twitter account.
She made a new twitter account without telling me.
She even put it in private mode. I can't view anything.
But judging from her friend's tweets with her, she doesn't look as busy as I expected.
Well yeah. She's busy but not that much.
I'm literally heart broken upon seeing that.
Truth does hurt right? :(

Well I don't blame her.
I rarely talk to her even when she needs me.
I wasn't there for her that much.
Fuck everything that was on our way.
I deserved this. Even though it hurts.
Dear friend, I just want you to know that I'm thankful for everything you did for me.
I'm thankful cause I got a chance to get to know you and became your bestie.
I miss you. I wish I could make it up to you.
I love you friend. I'll always pray for you.
There goes one of my very few close friends. /sighs/

There's another one though.
We were once extremely close.
I called her "omma" and she called me her "baby".
She seems busy with her life so I don't dare to disturb her.
But I can't lie that how much it hurts me that I really want to go back to the old days.
We talked a lot. We laughed together, leaned on each other, etc.
But now. I'm probably don't even cross her mind.
I swear I miss her. I'm totally hurt because she even forgot my birthday.
I know it's not important to her.
But to me, when someone forgot my birthday, it means I'm not important to her/him.
I was waiting till midnight. I thought she would pop out in my mentions or text me.
But no, I didn't receive anything. No signs from her.
I tried to be positive so I waited for a week.
And now after more than a month, she don't even talk to me.
I can't be positive anymore. I guess I'm not important to her.
I decided to let her go. Even though it hurts.
Dear Nana Omma, I miss you so much. I miss the old us.
I know I can't turn back the time. I can never make it up to you.
I know how much I hurt you. I don't deserved to be your friend.
I hope you'll find good friends and live well.
I'll count you in my prays.
It was nice being able to get close to you.
Thanks for everything.

There's this girl who I used to be close with.
Her name is Tisha.
I wasn't a good friend for her.
I treat her badly, which I regret.
She was a very good friend.
Somewhere around this year, I tried to make it up to her.
But I saw that she seems to be busy with college stuffs and.......... new friends.
Since then, she rarely talk to me.
I don't blame her because I deserved to be treated like this.
And she deserved new friends after she went through so much.
But there's one day, it's my birthday.
Same thing happened like Nana omma, she didn't wish me.
I was badly hurt.
After that, I let her go too.

These three were once my good friends.
They're no longer here by my side.
Even now, my few close friends seems to be keeping distance from me.
I can feel it. /sighs/
I don't want to hold them back anymore.
What's the use of holding back if I will only hurt them and vice versa?
It's time to let them go.
Bye dear friends. I'll miss you.

Mood Swings.

So, referring to the title above.
Erm. Yeah. I'm having a mood swings right now.
I hate it. But it's unavoidable. /sighs/

It was a boring day. I got nothing much to do.
I've been living like this since December 2012.
It's already a year passed and I'm still useless.
New year resolution my ass. =__="
When I was still in high school, I was hoping for this. Holiday.
But now I somehow regret it. That's what people said.
Be careful what you wish for cause you might get it.
I should be grateful instead.

Just now, I was creeping in Facebook.
I saw few stuffs that I liked and I checked on updates.
And that's when my mood swings started. /sighs/
I saw this girl. About 3 years younger than me.
She's my ex classmate's girlfriend.
It's not that I'm jealous. Duhh~
I saw their conversation. My friend is being his playful self with his gf.
It's really cute. He have always been playful to us but the feelings are different.
Maybe because he loves her so much. I never knew he's caring. /lol sorry not sorry/

Okay back to the story.
So yeah, I literally stalked her. /lol/
She's quite rich. She's cute and pretty too.
Me being the typical girl /lol/ are envy of course.
She got everything I always wanted (except for her bf lol).
I stalked one of my peers too.
She's quite annoying so I hate her. /lol/
But she's getting pretty and stylish.
Let me cry in the corner for the rest of my life. :(

I was someone who didn't care about beauty stuffs.
But hey. I'm a girl too okay?
Who wouldn't feel down seeing other girls prettier than you?
I wanna be pretty but only for some people, like my future husband and Chunji.
I wanna wear cute clothes and accessories, I wanna wear lovely shoes.
I wanna go on a date. I want to be love.
It's been awhile I'm single.
I just can't open my heart because of my confidence.
I want my boyfriend proud to say "Hey. That's my girl." when he introduce me to his friends or anyone else.
Everything doesn't seems to work for me. /sighs/
It's okay. Like mom always said, patience is virtue.
If I wait a little longer, maybe I'll get more than I expected.
Allah knows the best. :')

I'm getting sleepy. I should sleep now.
Goodbye readers. ^_^

너에게 연애 편지 a.k.a Billet-doux

차니야~ 지금 뭐해? 리허설?
아니면 자고 먹어? ㅋㅋ

음~ 기분이 엄청 이상해.
내 몸이 많이 아파서 그래.
근데 이건 정말 싫어.
힘이 없어. ㅠㅠㅠ

아 맞다! 나고야 제프투어 어땠어?
재밌지? 다행이네. ^ㅅ^
오늘도 남바 콘서트 잘해! 틴.탑.화.이.팅.우! ㅋㅋㅋ
나도 일본에 가고싶은데 돈이 없어.
실망해~ 그치?
괜찮아! 다음에 봐라~ 꼭 봐!! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
보고싶어서 죽을것같아~ ㅠㅠㅠ

차니야~ 내 맘 알아?
난 널 너무 좋아해. 어떡해?
솔직히 말해봐. 여친 있어? 그냥 말해. 괜찮아.
나 이해했다고. 거짓말하지마.
대답해줘~ ㅎㅗㅎ
너무 궁금해서 잊이못해. ㅠㅠㅠ

나의 사랑아~ 내 얘기 좀 들어봐.
그동안 너무 고마웠어.
우리가 만날때까지 기다릴게~
이 세상에서 너만 보여~
너 밖에 없어서 내 맘 많이 아파.
이 사랑은 너무 힘들어.
근데 난 괜찮을것같아. 걱정하지마.
이유는 알아?
사랑하기 때문에. 진짜로!
사랑한다 이찬희... ㅠㅇㅠ

-샤샤가-

사랑해 자기야~