Losing.

Refer to the title.
That's what I'm going to talk about in this post.

I recently lose a friend who once means so much to me.
She was a good friend of mine.
We talked a lot before. We even shared our secrets and talked in private twitter accounts.
We literally became best friends since then. Somewhere in 2011.
But it all ended last month, which I never realized.
I rarely talked to her because I was busy as hell. And she's busy too.
I don't want to disturb her.
I was wondering where she went for that long.
She didn't tweet anything. No update at all.
Then last night my heart somehow tells me to check her friend's twitter.
Just in case they mentioned anything about her.
And yes, bingo. They talked to her, in twitter, with different twitter account.
She made a new twitter account without telling me.
She even put it in private mode. I can't view anything.
But judging from her friend's tweets with her, she doesn't look as busy as I expected.
Well yeah. She's busy but not that much.
I'm literally heart broken upon seeing that.
Truth does hurt right? :(

Well I don't blame her.
I rarely talk to her even when she needs me.
I wasn't there for her that much.
Fuck everything that was on our way.
I deserved this. Even though it hurts.
Dear friend, I just want you to know that I'm thankful for everything you did for me.
I'm thankful cause I got a chance to get to know you and became your bestie.
I miss you. I wish I could make it up to you.
I love you friend. I'll always pray for you.
There goes one of my very few close friends. /sighs/

There's another one though.
We were once extremely close.
I called her "omma" and she called me her "baby".
She seems busy with her life so I don't dare to disturb her.
But I can't lie that how much it hurts me that I really want to go back to the old days.
We talked a lot. We laughed together, leaned on each other, etc.
But now. I'm probably don't even cross her mind.
I swear I miss her. I'm totally hurt because she even forgot my birthday.
I know it's not important to her.
But to me, when someone forgot my birthday, it means I'm not important to her/him.
I was waiting till midnight. I thought she would pop out in my mentions or text me.
But no, I didn't receive anything. No signs from her.
I tried to be positive so I waited for a week.
And now after more than a month, she don't even talk to me.
I can't be positive anymore. I guess I'm not important to her.
I decided to let her go. Even though it hurts.
Dear Nana Omma, I miss you so much. I miss the old us.
I know I can't turn back the time. I can never make it up to you.
I know how much I hurt you. I don't deserved to be your friend.
I hope you'll find good friends and live well.
I'll count you in my prays.
It was nice being able to get close to you.
Thanks for everything.

There's this girl who I used to be close with.
Her name is Tisha.
I wasn't a good friend for her.
I treat her badly, which I regret.
She was a very good friend.
Somewhere around this year, I tried to make it up to her.
But I saw that she seems to be busy with college stuffs and.......... new friends.
Since then, she rarely talk to me.
I don't blame her because I deserved to be treated like this.
And she deserved new friends after she went through so much.
But there's one day, it's my birthday.
Same thing happened like Nana omma, she didn't wish me.
I was badly hurt.
After that, I let her go too.

These three were once my good friends.
They're no longer here by my side.
Even now, my few close friends seems to be keeping distance from me.
I can feel it. /sighs/
I don't want to hold them back anymore.
What's the use of holding back if I will only hurt them and vice versa?
It's time to let them go.
Bye dear friends. I'll miss you.

Mood Swings.

So, referring to the title above.
Erm. Yeah. I'm having a mood swings right now.
I hate it. But it's unavoidable. /sighs/

It was a boring day. I got nothing much to do.
I've been living like this since December 2012.
It's already a year passed and I'm still useless.
New year resolution my ass. =__="
When I was still in high school, I was hoping for this. Holiday.
But now I somehow regret it. That's what people said.
Be careful what you wish for cause you might get it.
I should be grateful instead.

Just now, I was creeping in Facebook.
I saw few stuffs that I liked and I checked on updates.
And that's when my mood swings started. /sighs/
I saw this girl. About 3 years younger than me.
She's my ex classmate's girlfriend.
It's not that I'm jealous. Duhh~
I saw their conversation. My friend is being his playful self with his gf.
It's really cute. He have always been playful to us but the feelings are different.
Maybe because he loves her so much. I never knew he's caring. /lol sorry not sorry/

Okay back to the story.
So yeah, I literally stalked her. /lol/
She's quite rich. She's cute and pretty too.
Me being the typical girl /lol/ are envy of course.
She got everything I always wanted (except for her bf lol).
I stalked one of my peers too.
She's quite annoying so I hate her. /lol/
But she's getting pretty and stylish.
Let me cry in the corner for the rest of my life. :(

I was someone who didn't care about beauty stuffs.
But hey. I'm a girl too okay?
Who wouldn't feel down seeing other girls prettier than you?
I wanna be pretty but only for some people, like my future husband and Chunji.
I wanna wear cute clothes and accessories, I wanna wear lovely shoes.
I wanna go on a date. I want to be love.
It's been awhile I'm single.
I just can't open my heart because of my confidence.
I want my boyfriend proud to say "Hey. That's my girl." when he introduce me to his friends or anyone else.
Everything doesn't seems to work for me. /sighs/
It's okay. Like mom always said, patience is virtue.
If I wait a little longer, maybe I'll get more than I expected.
Allah knows the best. :')

I'm getting sleepy. I should sleep now.
Goodbye readers. ^_^

너에게 연애 편지 a.k.a Billet-doux

차니야~ 지금 뭐해? 리허설?
아니면 자고 먹어? ㅋㅋ

음~ 기분이 엄청 이상해.
내 몸이 많이 아파서 그래.
근데 이건 정말 싫어.
힘이 없어. ㅠㅠㅠ

아 맞다! 나고야 제프투어 어땠어?
재밌지? 다행이네. ^ㅅ^
오늘도 남바 콘서트 잘해! 틴.탑.화.이.팅.우! ㅋㅋㅋ
나도 일본에 가고싶은데 돈이 없어.
실망해~ 그치?
괜찮아! 다음에 봐라~ 꼭 봐!! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
보고싶어서 죽을것같아~ ㅠㅠㅠ

차니야~ 내 맘 알아?
난 널 너무 좋아해. 어떡해?
솔직히 말해봐. 여친 있어? 그냥 말해. 괜찮아.
나 이해했다고. 거짓말하지마.
대답해줘~ ㅎㅗㅎ
너무 궁금해서 잊이못해. ㅠㅠㅠ

나의 사랑아~ 내 얘기 좀 들어봐.
그동안 너무 고마웠어.
우리가 만날때까지 기다릴게~
이 세상에서 너만 보여~
너 밖에 없어서 내 맘 많이 아파.
이 사랑은 너무 힘들어.
근데 난 괜찮을것같아. 걱정하지마.
이유는 알아?
사랑하기 때문에. 진짜로!
사랑한다 이찬희... ㅠㅇㅠ

-샤샤가-

사랑해 자기야~

Oh Good.

Hello there. Good morning!
Today is such a lovely day. Perfect weather is a mood booster. ^_^
오늘 날씨 너무 좋아서 기분최고다! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Done chores early in the morning.
I've been doing this for a week. Hihi
They're quite satisfied with the new me. /lol/

Watched a movie in Diva Universal channel.
The title is "You May Not Kiss The Bride". /lol/
It's about a guy who owed the girl's father but he repay him by marrying his daughter.
They're foreigners so the girl didn't have a green card (those who stays in America need that for citizenship).
So, the marriage is most likely a contract marriage.
Each of them have their own boyfriend/girlfriend.
They went to Nuku Hiva Island for honeymoon. I swear it's breath-taking beautiful.
They eventually developed feelings for each other.
But obstacles were on the way. Apparently, the girl's boyfriend are using her for money.
He hired some guys to kidnapped her during their honeymoon and made it look like it was her husband's work.
Just then he realized that he loves her and he tried to rescue her.
Many things happened but I'm too tired to write it all. /lol/
In the end, they live happily ever after.

I really wanna go here. Nuku Hiva Island.

So, that's all for today.

I think I need a nap. Kinda tired now.

안녕~

Feeling much better.

Hi there.
So, it's past 12AM and I'm still awake. /lol/

I was chatting with Pjot and Zai, my two beautiful and lovely lil sisters.
They listened to my problems even though Pjot is sick. Poor baby girl.
I cried while talking to them. It feels so much better after letting it all out.
It's usually hard to express my real feelings toward people.
And if I do, it means I'm comfortable with that person.
That's why I love these two. I'm gonna cherish them forever. :')

We were talking about family matters, peers, our feelings, etc.
As usual, family matters always stressing me out.
I don't know when it will end. /sighs/
Same goes with peers problem.
I just don't know how to ignore them so that I won't be effected this much.
I'm such a gullible and weak girl.
Be strong Shasha! >_<
About my feelings, I just hope that Chunji will find someone that he will love till the very end so that I can move on. It'll hurt more than I thought but I'll bare with it. :)
These are only like 5% of what we talked about.
I'm too tired to write it all. /lol/

Actually, I haven't finish decorating my blog.
But I have to ask my buddy for opinion.
I'm afraid that if I add more, it'll be very heavy.
But I think it's too plain.
I just don't know what to do more. /lol/

To Fazeera Ainna who is reading (practically stalking) my blog now.
Please give me your opinion soon. /lol/
Or I'll flip you into the sea along with your caps lock.
Muahahaha~ xD

Sleepless Night ♥

So, I had done few changes to my blog to make it more neat.
I'm not really satisfied for now but I really like my new playlist and template.
It's a very cute and lovely combination. ♥

Actually, I'm quite tired because I've been handling house chores yesterday.
Well, my mom is sick and I just want to be a good daughter. /slaps self/
And I went out with Lovee to Maybank then I treat her snacks since we're both kinda stress right now.
That's how i became so tired. Yeah yeah right.
I think I'm getting headache. /yawns/

Today I'm gonna reveal my imaginary boyfriend that I always talk about all these while.
His name is Lee Chanhee a.k.a Chunji. He's a member of a South Korea boy group named TEEN TOP.
I'm practically just a fan that he didn't know. That's not the most pathetic part yet. /lol/
I've been liking K-Pop for almost a decade. I changed bias quite often.
But it all changed in 2011. It's all because of Chunji.
I see him not as an idol or artist, but as a guy that I fall in love unknowingly.
I still remember some day in February 2011, I was crying so hard because of my stupid crush.
He chose his girlfriend who treated him like a slave or whatever and unofficially dumped me.
Well, it's okay. I don't give a damn anymore.
Back to the story, so yeah. I was crying so hard the whole day then suddenly I saw Supa Luv MV on TV.
This cute boy with a puffy cheeks and white + red hair color attracted me a lot.
I eventually stopped crying then focused on watching it.
After that, I google-ed a lot about him then start watching their videos.
They slowly brought back happiness in my life and that's how I moved on.
Since then, I keep them in my thoughts every day. They become as important as my family are to me.
I never thought that I could actually fall in love with an artist like this.
But it doesn't matter to me anymore. Like people said, love is blind. ♥

My love for Chunji didn't grow easily as that though.
It took time and surprisingly amazing.
Because of him, I believe in telepathy. I'm not joking.
I'm quite surprised how there are so many similarities and coincidence happened between us.
If I make a list of it, I would need more than a day I guess. /lol/
I'm not making up story okay? It's based on what I feel and what my friends saw.
At first, I thought it's just merely coincidences. But then someday my friends started to realize it.
They even said "your telepathy is no joke.", "are you secretly keep in touch with chunji?", "is he stalking you omg he did everything like you wanted", etc.
Their every words still fresh in my mind. /lol/
Apart of that, I fall for his charms. He never fail to amaze me.
He's kind, caring, lovable, naughty, surprisingly shy and less talkative, clumsy, cute but cool, and most importantly NATURALLY HANDSOME. /lol/
He may not be as famous as others but I prefer it that way. His humble self is just nice to see.
There is just something about him that I really want to know and listen to his thoughts.
I wish I could talk to him one day and get to know him better. ♥

♥ I love this guy unconditionally ♥

So, that's it for today.
Good night pals. Have a sweet dream. ♥

T.I.R.E.D

hi. erm so... yeah. referring to the title above.

i dont know when will my post be an interesting one.

in other words, HAPPY. sighs

i'm tired physically and mentally.

i'm tired of having to hold it in even though how much it hurts me.

i'm tired of being useless.

i'm tired of losing friends.

i'm tired of being a loser.

i'm tired of everything.

i'm seriously tired.

i keep losing friends these days. i dont know if i can say that i still have friends.

its painful at how they only take advantages of me then just leave me hanging.

its always me who started everything. and i swear i'm tired of it.

please. i have heart too.

and i'm unemployed. it makes me feel like a useless person because i'm not even studying.

i was working but i had to quit due to some reasons.

when i want to get my salary, they kept making excuses.

its been two months but i haven't got my salary.

i decided to let it pass.

i'm such a bad luck.

i have no improvements in myself.

maybe its my fault too.

i just....... dont know what to do with my life anymore. sighs

i'm not trying to whine but i'm almost at my limit.

i'm a human too. i'm not perfect.

ya Allah... can You please just give me someone who would really understand me?

i know i should go to You instead. i'm a sinful person.

please forgive me ya Allah.

is this a payback for all my sins? i must have committed too much sins that it become so hard to the extent that i feel like dying.

i'm no one to question this. i know.

please forgive me.

i'll always believe that you have a better plan for me.

maybe all these pain will change to happiness some day.

i'll wait for the day.

i believe in you ya Allah.

12/11/2013. Gloomy birthday.

Hello. It's 9:11PM and I started to feel sleepy.
But I don't want to sleep yet.
So, today is 12th November 2013 which means my 20th birthday.
Welcome to young adult era, Shasha.
I didn't notice any difference yet so it's just another normal day for me.
My sis bought me a cake. We ate it together then go to each others' room.
It's not really a celebration to be honest.
Well, it's fine. I understand that they're kind of busy and tired.

I'm quite disappointed at how some of my friends and acquaintances didn't wish me yet.
They knew my birthday but they seems to forgot it or they don't have time for me.
It's okay sha. It makes no difference. They'll eventually leave and forget everything about you.

Been lying here on my bed for the whole day. Nothing special to do.
As I stare blankly onto the ceiling, thoughts starting to fill in my mind.
And of course, the majority is negative.
I feel so useless. I've been feeling this way for as long as I remember.
Doing nothing, being unproductive, not even a single change.
I envy those who work, study and do some good deeds.
You never know how stressful it is to be this way.
It becomes more stressful when no one really understand you.
They'll said "you're just lazy and effortless." or "stop being whiny. isn't it good to sit and do nothing?".
I swear. You never know.
You never know how much I want to change and being productive.
You never know so stop judging me.

Listening to That Winter, The Wind Blows OST just add in the sadness and sorrow feelings.
Tears falling unknowingly as I keep on thinking.
Somehow I think I'm at my limit but I wonder why am I still survive?
It's all thanks to Allah.

I miss him. My love.
I miss his laugh, his smile, his voice, his everything.
I need him to cheer me up. To make me strong.
If only I'm given a chance to hug him and cry in his embrace once. /sighs/

Summary.
It's a gloomy birthday for me.

-THE END-

Oh wait. It's not the end yet. /lol/
He surprised me before my birthday ends!
I tweeted to him "My birthday almost end. Can I at least get a good night selca as a present? :("
And tadaaa~ He tweeted a selca after few seconds with a caption "Good night Angels♥"! Kyaaaa~ I'm dying! /lol/
This is why I love you baby boo! ♥♥♥♥
It's a bittersweet birthday for me. :P

나의 마지막 사랑. My Last Love.

안녕하세요 여러분. 오늘 뭐해요? ㅋㅋㅋ
Okay I'm gonna write in English because I'm not that fluent yet.
So, how are you my invisible readers? /lol/

It's 2:12AM and I couldn't sleep.
Because of what?
That's what I'm going to talk about in this post.

It's because of HIM.
who's HIM?
He is...... hopefully..... My Last Love...
If its by Allah's will, he will be my last love...
I really hope he will..

I've been thinking of him every single seconds..
From the moment I wake up till I sleep at night, he's on my mind.
Whatever I do, I go, I buy or anything.... I thought of him.
Last Saturday, I went to watch sunset..

I cried alone because how I wish he was there with me.
I want to marry him, have kids, enjoy our life and grow old together.
I never thought of marrying before, even though I was in relationship few times.
But he give me this feeling like "He's the one for me!" which is quite impossible. /lol/
I wish I can just go tell him to marry me but that ain't sweet. /sighs/

And by the way, I just knew he had a warm body temperature.
It makes me want to be in his embrace all the time.
I dont want to let him go. I'm afraid he'll be taken away from me.
I'll probably be miserable. or worse.
I just hope he'll be mine, forever.

You're my last love, you are my last love

You're my last love, the person that will stay 'till the end

The one gift that I have received from the harsh world

A different miracle in front of my eyes

You are the last love

Good Morning! ^_^

Hello readers!
It's 6.50am here and I'm feeling fresh! :D
I slept very late last night but I woke up at 5.30am.
It is all because of my online games. /lol/
I'm currently playing ChefVille and Fashion Designer on Facebook.
I don't really like Facebook but the games are seriously tempting. /lol/
I have no choice.

Just done editing my blog post about my charity project.
Final edit! We have about 1 month and 2 weeks left.
I'm so scared. I just hope it will go as planned.
Time flies so fast huh? The day we planned this project was 7 months ago.
We thought we will have much time to do everything slowly.
Now we have to work fast. /sighs/

I don't have much things to say.
So, that's all for now.
Toodles~ ^o^

My Life...............

Good morning!
Today is Sunday, 26th May 2013.
Another boring day for me of course. LOL
I've been like this since December last year.
How pathetic. /sighs/






By the way, today is Tisha's college enrollment day.
She's going to MMU Melaka Campus, taking Foundation in Law.
Though it's not her choice, I'm sure she'll do fine.
At least that's what I hope.







I always feel bad and sad these days.
But I keep it to myself because I don't want to annoy other people.
They might say that I'm a crybaby.
I just don't know why. I feel empty inside.
It feels like something has been taken for me.
I don't know what it is.






I've been keeping distance from him, the one I love.
I don't even know why I'm like this.
Some people said I've changed. They hardly recognized me.
It all started last month. There are times I cried a lot because I don't know who I am.
I missed my old self too. The one who always laughs, jokes, talkative, etc.
Shasha, what has gotten into you?






I was checking through FB's news feed last night.
I saw my old friends. They changed a lot.
They became prettier, cuter, elegant, mature, etc.
Yes, I'm a girl who wants to look good in people's eyes.
But here I am, I have nothing to be proud of.
I feel extremely useless, fat and ugly.
Those are things that letting me down.
I don't want to be pretty if it will only cause negative things.
I only want to look pretty to specific people, like him.
Why is it so hard to do that? :((






Maybe there's a good reason behind all of these circumstances.
I know. All I need is be patient and hope for a miracle, I guess? /lol/
I'm so pathetic. I can't even do such easy things.
I think that is all for today. I gotta do something productive for my day.
Have a nice day people.






인생은 너무 힘들어서 난 죽을것같아.....
찬희 오빠.. 니가 필요해.. 날 안아줘 오빠.. ㅠㅠㅠ

stressful day :(

Hey readers.. :)
How was your day?
Mine was..... refer to the title please... /sighs
Okay.. lemme start from the beginning..

Last night i stayed up late at night...
The reason was... my friend said STPM result going to be reveal today..
Its not that i'm nervous...
I was checking on it through sms..
But then it said the service is still unavailable.. i tried twice and got the same response..
Since i'm quite disappointed, i went to sleep without saying goodbye to tlist...

Then early in the morning...
I woke up at 6:34am.. pretty early huh? Idek why.. orz
The first thing i did when i open my eyes was re-check my result.. same response, again.....
I gave up and went to online...
I checked DMs and mentions in twitter and replied to it... checking on some updates.. yeah, i'm a bit outdated these days... ><
Done with that, i went to eat and sleep again.. otl

Throughout the day, i received many bad news and some good news.. idek how to response to it so i ended up listening to music and eat.. i have no life...

Talk about life....
I'm having a mental breakdown right now.. Like seriously...
My friends were all like "I got a job!!" "I'm going for a vacation!!" This and that whatsoever~
Then there's me.. /otl/
I wanted to work... so bad...
But idek why i'm stuck here in my house... Being unproductive like i always am.. /sighs/
I was the one who said "I'm going to work after stpm!" to my friends but then they were the one who got job first.. This month included their 3rd salary.. Then there's me again.... /otl/

You guys have no idea how much i really want to work and being productive to my life.. i never meant to live like useless crap! ㅠㅠㅠ
I do have my own dreams.. and i want to make it true...
I do have my own desires... but i cant get it till now....
I dont want to blame anyone but i cant help it...
If it wasnt bc of you ppl, i would have gone there and got my 2nd salary by now... sighs
I feel so useless.. i'm such a failure..
I shouldnt have blame them... afterall, its my fault....

I'm gonna stop here bc totally blank...
Bye guys... take care and have a nice day...
1:55am, signing off! Xoxo

You are the Straw to my Berry :)

ahhh it's been awhile~ hurhurhur ^.^
i miss my bloggie! :(
actually i dont really know what to say. sighs
what did you call this? writer's block?
yeah. something like that. LOL xD

today was a decent day for me.
too much feels to contain and lots of things surprising me.
but tomorrow is the real thing.
so yeah. farewell my sanity. LOL
i'll dig a grave for myself tonight. xD
oh wait. no i can't tell you what it is because shhhhh~ my precious secret! ;)

actually, i'm quite busy these days.
i'm handling a worldwide charity project to help those in need.
its a secret though. none of my irl friends know. hihihi ^.^
only my family, baby boys, company and twitter friends knew about this project.
i got 4 twitter account. my followers rapidly increased.
first account = 780+ followers,  second account = 6000+ followers, third account = 70+ followers, fourth account = 10+ followers. LOL third and fourth account are for my private thingy. :D
people may see it as troubling but to me, i'm glad to handle these accounts because each account has it's own thingy. LOL :D
twitter is like part of my life. my life is dull without it.
i share my feelings, problems, routines, thoughts, etc.
it's even more enjoyable with my twitter friends.
language and cultural barrier never been the reason for us to be friends.
no offense but i do think most of them understands me more than my irl friends.
sometimes, even people who are closer to us cannot be trust because it's easier for betrayal to occur in the friendfuckingship. LMAO
well, i'm just sharing my thoughts. i don't give a damn whether you want to agree with it or not. :D
however, i'm glad to have these people in my twitter world. :)

i'm waiting for this Sunday. 24th February 2013. :)
the reasons? well, it's our 2nd Anniversary. ^.^ (plus it's my bro's birthday too)
oh no. not an anniversary of the love thingy.
it's our anniversary of friendship! :D
me, hittsu and sua~ my precious 93 liner besties :3
they're both Korean. how i wish i was there so that we can celebrate it together. :'(
we could only celebrate it by chatting and sharing photos.
we promised to buy cakes too! of course our favorite, Blueberry Cake! our official color! hihihi ^.^
ahhh~ my honey, i'll go there someday and we'll celebrate it together! i promise you~ :3
anyway, i'm thankful to these baby boys who have been the reason why we found each other and became friends till now. :3
one of them is my baby boo of course. *blushing hard*
Baby Boo, I LOVE YOU! *flying kiss*
you did so much for me. you've changed my life.
i'm thankful to Allah because it's His way to be the guide of my dark life.
i can never express how thankful i am.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. :')
and i miss you too. :'(
three weeks of jetlag were tiring for both of us. sighs
but it's for your future so i don't mind. :')
glad that you're back home now. >.<
baby boo, no matter what happened, i'll cherish our love and moments together.
i'll always pray that we'll be together forever.
i want you to be my friend, my husband and the father of my kids.
if we're not meant to be together, i'll pray for your happiness.
our love is the sweetest thing.
i'll be sure to tell our love story to my kids someday. :')
i didn't get to tell you all these things because i'm too shy.
sometimes words aren't enough to express how i really feel for you.
thats how much i love you.
someday, i'll show you my love just like how you showed it to me.
awww you sweetie cutie pie! :D
well, i am your Miss Right! ^.^

okay. i'm tired and i need a rest.
gotta hit the sack! good night bloggies~
xoxo <3 p="">I Love You My Mr. Right. :')